like real people do
by Delenn
Summary: Bowling night with the Ponds.


**Disclaimer: Recognizable characters are not my own - I just borrow them.**

 **Pairing: River/Eleven**

 **Summary:** **Bowling night with the Ponds.**

 **Rated: T**

 **Notes: For Pam for her birthday.**

 **Written: 4/8/15-10/17/15**

 **For the RDFICATHON prompt #25. Bowling night with the Ponds, Brian included, at Leadworth's sole bowling place where all of their childhood friends, sometimes their parents, go bowling.**

 **Title from the Hozier song of the same name.**

 **Thanks to Beverly, Megs, and anyone else I flung this at to look over (it's been so long, I've forgotten). This fic fought me all the way, and kept expanding in the meantime. I hope it hasn't strayed too far from what the prompter wanted. As always, all remaining mistakes are my own. Extra thanks to Megs' husband, for all the bowling expertise (hopefully I didn't bugger it up too badly).**

* * *

 _like real people do_

Honestly, she should have known it was a trap when Amy insisted that she bring the Doctor. Just a friendly spot of bowling - for old time's sake.

River's grip tightens on the Doctor's arm until he yelps and stares down at her in a bit of fearful concern, wondering what he's done wrong as he tries to extricate himself from her grip.

River relaxes her hold marginally and hisses, "I'm going to kill Mum."

The bowling alley is crowded, high entertainment for a Thursday night in Leadworth, and there's a particularly large, loud group massed at the far lanes in matching vermilion tops. She can easily pick out her mother's red hair at the epicenter, flaming even against the red of her shirt. She can also make out her father, her grandparents on both sides, and half the town besides.

Reassured that her bad mood is not his fault, the Doctor sighs, pats her hand, and trips along beside her happily enough, eyeing the brightly colored balls and crisp white pins with a gleam that promises he'll be absolutely insufferable.

Spinning sharply on her heel, River tries to drag the Doctor back the way they came. She's not one to run from a challenge, but she absolutely cannot be _bowling_ with her husband and her family and far too many childhood friends.

Stubborn as always, her husband holds fast, planting his ridiculous feet and peering at her in concern. "River?"

"Let's go," she growls, tugging at him, "this was a bad idea."

"Doctor! River!" Amy's voice is loud and Scottish and River freezes. It's too late. "They're finally here, everyone. Now we can get started!"

River sighs, pasting on her brightest smile and acting as though she hadn't been just about to bolt. "Well, there's nothing for it, I suppose."

The Doctor is not fooled, which is a shame because to everyone else she's a brilliant liar. He always seems to see through her, spoilers and all. "It's just bowling, River. It will be fine."

"Just bowling," she echoes under her breath as they draw nearer to the crowd, "with the whole bloody town."

Amy envelopes them both in hugs, the comfortingly strong presence of her mother briefly soothing River's fears. But then she's drawing back and River can make out the curious stares of her grandparents, watching them with some trepidation.

Never one to back down in the face of a challenge, Amy announces, "Everyone - you remember the Doctor, from my wedding? And this is River," she hesitates, if only for a second, "the Doctor's wife."

The Doctor frowns, glancing between River and her parents. He opens his mouth as though to protest, but River digs her nails into his arm, hard enough that she's sure he can feel them even through his tweed, and he remains silent.

Rory is all but wringing his hands, hovering behind Amy and giving River a baleful look as if to express that this entire event was not his fault.

It's Brian Williams who breaks the suddenly tense silence, stepping forward to draw the Doctor into a hug. "Doctor! Good to see you again!" He turns to River with a genuine grin, offering her his hand. "Any woman who can put up with him must be a genuine saint. It's a pleasure to meet you, Saint - River, was it?"

Smile plastered firmly in place, River shakes Brian's hand politely, though she can't resist murmuring conspiratorially, "That's Saint River Song, to you. And oh, you have no idea. It's a wonder I ever let him out."

"Oi!" The Doctor protests, the tips of his ears turning red.

Brian turns to clap him on the back, shaking his head good-naturedly. "She's too good for you, mate."

River expects the Doctor to protest again, but he gets that soppy grin on his face that makes her want to blush. "Without a doubt."

"Stop it," River challenges, biting her lip and leaning into the Doctor's side.

His eyes light up, the soppy grin settling into something that sends a shiver down her spine. "Make me."

"Right, where are you two coming from this time?" Rory cuts in, which is a shame because River thinks she was fairly close to getting the Doctor to forget all about bowling in favor of retreating to the TARDIS.

"Mesopotamia. I may have acquired a bit of a reputation." She'd changed after Mesopotamia, of course.

There, she'd worn what the Doctor referred to as her Cleopatra outfit - _spoilers!_ \- since it was in a state of ruin from the stone and the Doctor - he'd said _yowza!_ and something about it being much better without the neckpiece.

It had been difficult to decide what to wear to bowling - as Mels she'd always chosen the most outrageous thing she could. In the end she'd settled on plain jeans and a dark vest. The Doctor's eyes had lingered on her arse anyway and she'd ended up having to get dressed all over again. In a nod to Mels - and because she knew exactly what they did to the Doctor - River had added a pair of inappropriately high heels. When they almost didn't make it out of the TARDIS for the third time, River had deemed the outfit a success.

Clearly, she'd been far too distracted, if she'd really thought the invitation to bowling was a good idea. She should have stayed on the TARDIS. Or, better yet, in Mesopotamia, where her parents couldn't phone them up and harangue them.

Beside her, clad in his usual tweed, the Doctor snorts. "A bit of a reputation? More like: Medusa!"

Amy smacks him. "Oi, Doctor - rude!"

River can't help but laugh as he winces, pulling away and plopping down on the nearest chair to tug off his boots. He's wearing gaudy neon Christmas socks in the middle of July and fresh from the BC era. "No - he's right." She grins, more than a bit pleased with how their night had gone. "Hallucinogenic lipstick and a new gun."

"It's the hair," the Doctor elaborates, tugging on one curl to demonstrate and pulling a ridiculous attempt at a snake face.

Brian, Amy and Rory are just shaking their heads, used to the Doctor, at least. But Tabetha and Augustus Pond, bless, look more than a bit blindsided by their daughter's imaginary friend and his wife suddenly joining the family bowling night.

River offers them an uncertain smile, settling next to the Doctor, flexing her toes in her heels, and trying to distract herself with choosing a bowling ball from the various options on display. Tabetha and Augustus took care of her when she was Mels, raising her as much as her parents did. Now, they don't even know her. She should be used to the dull pain of that by now.

She's not.

"You must be Amy's parents? It's lovely to meet you both."

Tabetha, bless, takes her hand, peering at her intently. "River Song? Are you imaginary as well?"

With her husband sputtering by her side, her grandmother holding her hand and her parents hovering nervously, River has to admit she has asked herself the same question. Whether she's really still just desperate Mels or lonely Melody, dreaming up River Song to chase away the monsters. She squeezes the Doctor's arm to quell his protest and steady herself, and offers her grandmother a mysterious smile; the one she usually saves for _spoilers_. "Depends on the day."

The Doctor is gleefully adjusting the electronic score keeper with his sonic, which can really only lead to disaster, but River leaves him to it. He's already given her that tight, worried look twice tonight, and she doesn't need him making some grand, ridiculous gesture because he thinks she's uncomfortable. Better to keep him distracted, even if he's already knuckle-deep into the poor machine's wiring.

"Sorry," Tabetha blushes fetchingly, patting River's hand before she withdraws, "it's just - the Doctor hardly seems the marrying kind."

River chuckles softly at the outraged look on the Doctor's face.

"Not the marrying kind? Of course I'm the marrying kind! I've been married loads - love a wedding - there's always dancing - and usually a bit of running later and -" he catches River's arched eyebrow and abruptly backtracks. "Of course, not that I actually meant any of those. Only one wedding has ever really counted," he grins hopefully at River, all soppy again.

She rolls her eyes and pecks him on the cheek. "Doctor, do shut up."

"Yes, dear."

Augustus Pond shakes his head and laughs at the lot of them, clapping his hands together. "If Amy wants to bring her imaginary friends bowling, the more the merrier. Now leave them be so that we can actually get to the bowling while the night is still young and the pins are still white!"

Rory heaves a long suffering sigh, hands over two folded squares of red to River, and pats her apologetically on the shoulder.

The Doctor manages to steal one before River can stop him, and his glee is absolutely infuriating in context as he shucks his tweed in favor of tugging the bright red bowling shirt happily over his button-up, the pink and red clashing horribly, especially with his bowtie topping the outfit off. It reads: _Our Balls are Bigger than Yours_ on the back and _Pond_ on the front.

He giggles and points at the shirt. "Look, River, I'm an official Pond!"

River takes the time to unbutton her shirt before donning it, tying the shirt off at the bottom and only bothering to redo one button, leaving the top gaping because it would be a shame not to torture the Doctor a bit further. She leans into her husband and whispers, "You already are, sweetie. And you have the _balls_ to prove it."

The Doctor sputters and turns red while River laughs. He hisses, "Not in front of the parents," glancing at her parents obviously as he does so.

Thankfully, they're out of earshot of anyone else, and Tabetha merely assumes they're discussing the shirts and shakes her head knowingly. "Sorry, dearie. We let Amelia choose. I don't know what we were thinking."

"You were thinking: Amy always wins, so Amy gets to pick the team name," Amy interjects, triumphant.

Augustus merely claps his daughter on the shoulder with a good-natured, deep laugh, and gestures towards the bowling lanes. "We'll see about that, lass."

Eager to get this over with, River selects a dark blue ball of medium weight - not so light that she'll accidentally whip it through a wall, and not so heavy as to appear out of place - and rolls it casually in her hand. "Right, who's up first?"

The Doctor jumps up, catching her free hand and tugging at her stubbornly. "We need our shoes first." He's far too excited at the prospect of bowling footwear. With his fashion sense, she should have figured.

Glancing down at her heels and back at the Doctor, River smirks at him. "Go along and get your shoes, sweetie - I've already got mine."

The Doctor pouts, rocking on his heels and tugging at her again. "But you have to wear the shoes!"

She should probably wear the shoes, but they're positively hideous and the Doctor has a bit of a thing for her in heels. He has a bit of a thing for her breaking the rules too. River lets her smirk deepen, not bothering to lower her voice. "That line never works in bed either, sweetie."

The Doctor turns red again, but his eyes gleam in a way that says he's about to retort, and River feels a tingle of anticipation low across her spine.

"Right, well, while the Doctor and River get sorted, let's just get started, shall we? Dad, how about you start?" Rory interjects, looking even more miserably uncomfortable.

River would almost feel bad for her father, since this entire thing was clearly Amy's idea, but she's still more than a bit cross at being dragged to a family function. A girl's got to have a bit of fun, and torturing her husband has always been her favorite game.

She blinks up innocently at her father while the Doctor disappears to find bowling shoes and Brian and Rory start off the round. They're both decent, though clearly casual bowlers, but they seem to be having fun. Tabetha goes next and, despite copious amounts of advice from everyone else present, gutters the ball.

Tabetha laughs easily, used to her abysmal bowling skills, and orders a round of drinks from the bar, joking, "Now, ordering I'm good at!"

Augustus agrees with a rueful little nod and wink. "Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear," and then goes head to head against Amy, their game filled with impressive runs of strikes that send the scoreboard shrieking, and more than a bit of not entirely good natured teasing.

The Doctor's hand on her shoulder startles River, and she almost drops her ball. She'd forgotten what it was like, bowling with the Ponds. The rivalry between Amy and Augustus, the way Rory and Brian used to go as a father son outing every week on their own. The easy comradery of alcohol and family.

She feels like an outsider, all over again. Far worse than when she was Mels, accepted as their friend but never quite a part of the family. They don't even know who she is now.

The Doctor looks utterly ridiculous in his two-toned shoes and too-short trousers, but his face is serious as he stares down at her. "River?"

Shaking off her melancholy, River stands close enough to watch his eyes dart to her chest before she brushes past him. "Grab your balls, sweetie. You're next."

It's easy enough to bowl a strike, and she can't bring herself to temper it when she can practically feel the Doctor's eyes on her arse, even knowing how competitive her mother and grandfather can be.

The scoreboard dissolves into a row of Dalek-like pins being decimated, her name flashing over the scene and a few sparks snapping here and there, and River shakes her head, hoping that's the worst of the modifications the Doctor made.

There's a crash after her strike, and River turns to see the Doctor juggling two outrageously heavy balls as he tumbles into the rack. River sighs and rescues them before he drops them on anything vital.

Augustus shakes his head, but gives her a tentative smile before glancing conspiratorially at Amy. "I think we may have a challenger on our hands, lass!"

Amy looks a bit too proud, particularly at the Doctor's distress. "River's brilliant like that."

Balancing two balls as she passes one back to the Doctor, which he promptly fumbles and nearly drops again, River grins. "What can I say? I know how to handle balls."

The Doctor chokes right as he goes to bowl, and the ball bounces off one gutter and into the other. He glares like it was her fault.

River shrugs innocently.

The Doctor's eyes narrow.

After that, the whole family takes the game far more seriously than any Pond Bowling Night has ever been taken before, which is truly a feat for the history books.

The Doctor is at a disadvantage, since River bowls before him, and she is utterly shameless about using the opportunity to distract him. Bless, it takes him nearly half the first game to catch on. After that, she still catches him watching her while she bowls, but he keeps his attention firmly focused on the game on his turn, bowling more than a bit creatively, but all easy strikes, the little Dalek pins falling one by one across the sparking scoreboard, even if occasionally the lane he finishes in is not the one he started with.

He is utterly ridiculous on his turns, of course. He licks a finger to check the wind in the bowling alley, raps his ball with his knuckles and puts his ear to the holes to check its constitution. When he finally bowls, he trip-slips in those ridiculous shoes up to the line, arms windmilling until he swings dangerously forward to drop the ball, nearly falling flat on his face as he does so. But when he bowls a strike, he turns to River with his smug 'Look what I did, River' face on, and River's only thought about his ridiculous outfit is how much she wants to strip him out of it.

By the second game, Amy starts pouting a bit, but Augustus seems riveted by River and the Doctor's competition, even though it's left him and Amy in the dust.

The sparking scoreboard is soon threatening a proper fire, however, and River tactfully claims she needs a drink, and that her and the Doctor will sit the next round out. Mostly because she needs to fix whatever he's done to the scoreboard before the wiring melts.

While Amy and Augustus duel across the lanes with increasingly creative insults on their games, Brian comes to sit next to River and the Doctor. He offers River a tentative, friendly grin. "So, Saint River Song, tell me, how'd you get this one to make an honest woman of you? From what I've seen, the Doctor isn't the settling type and, pardon my saying so, but you don't strike me as that sort either."

"Well, that's the thing - I'm not an honest woman. I tricked him into it." She winks, to pretend she's only teasing, and gratefully accepts a fresh pint from Tabetha while the Doctor wrinkles his face comically in decline. "And we never settled down. We're... something of nomads."

Brian's brow furrows, identical to Rory's. "But you have somewhere you call home."

"Oh, several places," River confides airily, carefully correcting the Doctor's modifications to the scoreboard wiring.

The Doctor frowns. "The TARDIS is home - for both of us." He steals River's hand and squeezes it. "Who could need anything else?"

He must really be worried about her, if he's letting himself get so soppy in public. River fights back an equally soppy response. "It's true - the Doctor is a cosmic hoarder. It's entirely possible there's actually one of everything tucked away in some room or other. Perhaps even an actual house or two."

From the nearby table, Tabetha is watching River with a disbelieving face on. "You say the most fantastical things, dear. Just like our Amy."

River's smile freezes into place with practiced ease just as she finishes the last of the wiring. "Yes, that can be a side effect of too much time with the Doctor."

The Doctor shrugs, sly. "Oh, I don't know - I think River got that from Amy."

River stomps his foot with her heel as she quickly deflects before Tabetha's confusion can turn to questions. "It's easy to pick up one another's habits when travelling together. I live in fear of the Doctor's fashion sense rubbing off on me," and she just manages to stop herself from making a rather filthy joke in front of her grandparents. There are some lines even River prefers not to cross.

Offering an apologetic, and somewhat baffled, shrug, Tabetha admits, "Sorry, dear - I didn't realize you and our Amelia were such close friends. She doesn't have many close female friends - only one, really, her childhood friend, Mels. Shame she doesn't come around anymore, but then, she always travelled a lot - followed her own path. You would have liked her, I'm sure. But I confess that I'm relieved Amelia and Rory haven't spent all their travelling alone with the Doctor -" she turns to the Doctor, wincing, "oh, no offense, dear. Still - I wish she'd mentioned you sooner. Amelia and her secrets. You could have been in the wedding, even - oh, Doctor, you should have brought her!"

"I did!"

"It's complicated."

They answer at the same moment and River counts to ten silently in her head to avoid throttling her husband. "If you'll just excuse us a moment," River offers through a grin that is all teeth, "we'll get the next round."

She yanks the Doctor up and after her, dragging him several lanes over until they're out of earshot. "What was that?!"

"What was what?" He doesn't meet her eyes, quickly absorbed in assorted games and prizes on offer.

River hisses, " _I think River got that from Amy_."

The Doctor fidgets. "You did. You get that scary _I'm going to hit you_ face from her too." He attempts to edge out of slapping range.

For a moment, she considers doing just that. It would serve him right for - _for what?_ For fussing over her too much. River sinks into the nearest chair, blowing her hair out of her face and wishing she'd grabbed the drinks first. Something harder than beer. "They don't know, Doctor."

She doesn't look up as he hovers tentatively next to her. "I know."

"You can't tell them."

There's a moment's hesitation, and then. "I know. But -"

This time, she does look up, pinning him under her gaze so he knows she's serious. "No buts."

The Doctor nods at last. "Yes, fine. All right. _But_ I don't have to like it." He's silent for a second, and then, "Want to hide out here for the next round? Look, they've got creamers!"

He flops down next to her at the table and starts spilling out the little creamer containers from their neat bowls, his long arms reaching to steal the creamers from other tables.

He's built two columns before River can even begin to ponder what would be so fascinating about creamers, his face a mask of concentration.

River feels herself smiling despite her best efforts. She arches one eyebrow at the Corinthian structures. "Oh, very impressive, sweetie - quite the architectural masterpiece."

The Doctor waggles a finger at her. "Shush, you. Rome wasn't built in a day - well, not the time anybody remembers, at least. Not that I'm building all of Rome - not nearly enough precision or variation to be had in creamer architecture -" he yelps and glares when River flicks a packet of sugar at one of his towers, sending it tumbling unceremoniously to the table. "Rude!"

"Why do you think Rome had gates, sweetie? Defense."

By the time Rory comes to retrieve them - undoubtedly sent in search of the missing pints - the Doctor has indeed built a gate, trying valiantly to protect his creamer architecture from River's sugar missiles. One of his walls is down, but he's repurposed her sugars as roofing, and has quite an impressive recreation of the Coliseum a quarter complete.

Rory just shakes his head. "Right. Not what I was expecting, but somehow weirder." He catches River's next lobby in his palm and sets the sugar down firmly. "You're both up again. I'll just fetch the pints, shall I?"

The Doctor catches River's eye, waiting for her nod before he bounds to his feet. "Rory the Roman! I _was_ building you a Coliseum, but I came under attack."

River shrugs easily as she rises, feeling more capable of facing her family again. The Doctor can be utterly ridiculous, but she needed the silly moment and he knew it. It was either that or shooting something, and there never was a Sontaran Hen Night when she needed one. "Oh, don't be melodramatic. It was just a little sugar for my sweetie." She presses a smacking kiss to his endearing scowl as she passes.

They leave the creamer Coliseum to posterity and help Rory fetch the pints as he shoos them back toward the Pond bowling lanes, where everyone else has apparently been drinking in their absence. A few newcomers have joined the group, and everyone is gesturing, laughing and talking over one another boisterously.

Amy totters over into a group hug, exclaiming loudly, "You two weren't off shagging again, were you? You were gone _forever_."

Rory winces, gently prying Amy off before she can spill the newly acquired beer, while trying to keep her from grabbing another.

The Doctor turns the same color as his shirt. "Creamer war, if you must know, Pond."

Unable to resist, River smirks. "Oh, is that what we're calling it?" And fetches her bowling ball while the Doctor is still sputtering. She only behaves to a point, after all.

While Tabetha firmly keeps Amy away from the drinks, Augustus claps the Doctor and Rory on the back in what was probably meant as a sympathetic gesture but nearly bowls the two skinnier men over. "That one's trouble, she is. She'll fit right in with Amy and Tabetha. Keeps us on our toes."

River exhales the breath she'd been holding as everyone laughs, and bowls a perfect strike.

The Doctor has almost regained his normal coloring for his turn, though he's still tugging awkwardly at his collar.

"Bloody hell, it's the bloke from the cake!"

For the first time since he caught on to River's antics, the Doctor chokes, the ball skittering sideways across the bowling alley floor and never making it to a lane at all. The Doctor spins helplessly to the commentator. "I - uh - no, no. You must be mistaken. Someone else, surely."

When she turns, curious about the story - because the Doctor is hard to mistake - even her father is blushing.

It's one of the newcomers to their table - Andrew - a friend of Rory's from nursing school that she vaguely remembers. Unsurprisingly, he isn't fooled by the Doctor's deflection, and he's drunk enough to continue with the story without any encouragement at all. "No, it was definitely you. Hard to forget a bloke popping out of the stripper's cake at a Stag saying he'd kissed the fiancée!"

The Doctor goes from red to white in an instant, while Rory buries his face in his hands and Amy shoots up from the table, suddenly completely alert. "He did what!?"

"It wasn't - I didn't - _she -_ " the Doctor starts helplessly, before River cuts him off, suddenly remembering the story vividly from the several versions she'd been treated to in subsequent days.

"Oh, sweetie, I told you that was a terrible prank. Poor Rory. You didn't even strip."

Rory shudders theatrically. "Thank god for that."

There's some raucous laughter at that. River accepts it along with the silent thanks Rory, Amy and the Doctor are beaming at her, and vows to tease them all mercilessly once her grandparents are not within earshot.

Andrew seems momentarily put out - he'd missed the wedding, if River recalls, though she doesn't care enough to recall why - but he raises his glass to a, "Mighty fine stitch-up," and everyone returns to bowling or chatter after the impromptu toast.

They are interrupted in their fourth game by a bored, "Ma'am, you can't wear those shoes while bowling. There are rules. Hey Amy... Rory."

The voice is familiar - Jeff, as it happens, clad in a drab bowling alley employee uniform. He'd fancied Mels something awful one upon a time.

The Doctor looks pleased to see him. "Jeff!" But he shakes Jeff's hand a little too enthusiastically, standing up a bit straighter, and River stifles a laugh. "Good man. Have you got a girlfriend yet? This is my wife, River, and I should warn you - she never plays by the rules."

River smiles, pleased that the Doctor is learning, and bowls another strike before sauntering past Jeff and patting his cheek. "Not to worry. I'll be gentle."

Jeff looks utterly bewildered, and more than a little enamored. Rory claps him on the back. "Best to just give over, mate. River might be more stubborn than even Amy."

Amy huffs from the table, where she's stubbornly insisting that she doesn't need water and Tabetha is completely ignoring her protests. But the huff sounds more than a bit smug to River's ears.

She catches Jeff muttering, "Worse than Amy... terrifying... like Mels," and River has to bite her lip to stop from laughing as Rory steers Jeff back to his station.

As soon as Rory returns, the Doctor bounds up to him, rocking on his heels eagerly like the child he very much isn't. "Do you have any coins?"

Her father blinks slowly, clearly trying to decide if coins are linked to some world-ending-level crisis. "Why do you need coins?"

"They've got all these little machines - and I think I saw a claw. I love a claw machine!"

With a long-suffering sigh, Rory digs out his wallet and hands the Doctor a fiver. "Jeff can make change. Try not to eat all the sweets? You remember what happened in Atlantis."

The Doctor beams, ignoring the warning and grabbing River's hand before she can sit down. "Hurry up, River, before it's our turn again!"

Rolling her eyes at her father as she follows her husband, River grumbles, "Only because there's a claw machine."

There is, at least, but there are also machines with little toys and sweets. River sizes them up, determining which prizes she most wants while the Doctor chats with Jeff over the change. There's no fun without a bit of a challenge, after all.

The Doctor is predictably hopeless at the claw machine, spending nearly all of the five pounds before River nudges him out of the way none-too-gently and takes over, neatly snaring her prize in the first go.

The Doctor scowls. "Show-off."

Leaning back against the machine, River regards her toy beaver and her husband with smug amusement. "No need to be cross, sweetie. I'll win you one too. Or you're welcome to my beaver..."

Turning bright red at the innuendo, the Doctor tugs at his collar and mumbles, "I'll take the unicorn."

River shrugs, fighting back a smile as she turns to drop the last fifty pence piece into the slot for the game. The unicorn is easy enough to grab, and she collects the bright, sparkly prize easily.

When she turns though, there's the ominous buzzing of the sonic, and the Doctor proudly holds up a truly terrifying number of sweets. He shoves half of them into his mouth to free a hand for the unicorn.

River glares at him and snatches it away. "That's cheating."

The Doctor grins, not repentant in the slightest as he stuffs the remainder into his pockets. "The machine wouldn't share its sweets. Quite rude, really. That's not cheating... just... cajoling."

He saunters closer, eyes on the unicorn that River tucks behind her back.

"Mmhmm... And just how many sweets did you cajole out of the machine?"

River slips to the side when he gives her that guilty puppy dog look, which tends to melt her will and her legs, attempting a quick escape. But the Doctor is faster, catching her by the waist and crowding her back against the machine. This close, he smells vaguely of sweets, his fingers sticky against her wrist as he reaches for the stuffed animals she's gripping.

"Now, now, didn't we just discuss sharing, River?" He leans impossibly closer, eyes bright and breath sweet, "Or do you need cajoling, as well?"

"Why, gonna sonic me, sweetie?" River breathes, her hearts racing delightfully.

"River," the Doctor accuses, scandalized again, his ears regaining their pink hue, "we're in public." Only that doesn't stop him from leaning in and snogging her, apparently not that scandalized, after all.

He tastes like pure sugar - her sweetie - and oh, his sugar high is going to be appalling in a few minutes. But River relaxes into the skilled sweep of his tongue against hers, sighing into his mouth and licking at his sugar-coated lips. Her grip on the stuffed animals loosens as she reaches up to wrap her arms around the Doctor's long neck. He shivers at the touch, one of his large, warm hands snaking under her vest to rest against the base of her spine and haul her closer still. River arches up on her tiptoes until their bodies are aligned perfectly, caught up in the heady rush of sugar and the Doctor, crowding all her senses. The hand slips lower, squeezing her arse and dragging her against him in a subtle thrust of hips.

"Oy, River, Doctor - quit snogging and get over here. River, you're up!" Comes a loud Scottish holler.

The Doctor jerks back from her abruptly, wiping a sleeve across his lips and trying in vain to appear nonchalant as he almost trips over himself in his effort to look as though he were not just snogging the daylights out of his wife.

River slips back down against the claw machine and concentrates on not seeming as dazed as she feels. Rather belatedly, she realizes that they're in clear view of the bowling lanes where her parents and grandparents are all standing, trying blatantly not to stare.

She bends and retrieves the forgotten stuffed animals, passing the unicorn to the Doctor as she rolls her eyes. "Yes, mother."

The second the words leave her lips, River wants to stuff them back. It can be passed off as casual teasing, certainly, but a quick glance at the Doctor's suddenly serious expression assures her that this will not be one of those cases. She should laugh it off, but River has - for once - no idea what to say to fix this slip. _Spoilers_ seems wildly inadequate.

Amy's inebriation fades instantly, a tight guilt settling in her eyes that's impossible to miss.

The Doctor takes River's free hand - the one not clutching the beaver - and gently steers her back towards the suddenly much quieter group.

Their childhood friends seem to have drifted away, leaving only her family. River offers her best faux-smile and shrugs breezily. "No need to look so aghast - it's a figure of speech. I'm up, then? I won the claw machine." She offers up her half-strangled beaver as proof.

Brian's eyebrows are furrowed in a way that suggests he's deep in thought, and Tabetha and Augustus are eyeing her a touch too closely.

River's grip on the Doctor's hand tightens. To his credit, he doesn't yelp, he merely straightens his bowtie awkwardly between the Pond Bowling Shirt and the stuffed unicorn he's still holding.

The Doctor matches her grin and tone, always ready with Rule One when the occasion calls. "River's magic at the claw machine. See, Ponds, she won me a unicorn!" He tosses the toy to Amy, who looks as appalled but amused by it as River is. Was.

But her parents are sharing covert looks, the kind a whole conversation is built upon without words. Far too serious for toy unicorns and bowling.

Brian and Tabetha both seem on the verge of speaking, but Amy barrels over them. "Oh, for god's sake. Yes, River's our daughter." She twists at a lock of her hair, her bluster fading with her volume. "We were going to tell you all - we were - but... well, it hardly matters now."

Tabetha presses her hand over her mouth and leans back into a stunned Augustus, clearly trying not to faint.

"It all makes sense now." That's Brian, looking relieved, and then more confused. "Well, not all of it, but: River," he grins at her, genuine, "you just felt like family. Is that silly?"

River swallows. "No, that's not silly." She doesn't know what else to say.

Rory heaves another long suffering sigh and turns to River's grandparents to explain. "Right, so after our wedding. Traveling. All of space and time. We..." He pauses and then continues, ever-steady, even in this. "Had a daughter, only she got lost in time. Taken. And it turns out she grew up to be River in the meantime."

Her grandparents looks vaguely ill. River bites her lip and grips the Doctor's hand to stop herself from bolting. It is Tabetha who breaks the awkward silence this time, Brian once again lost in his thoughts and calculations. She peers intently at River and then turns to Amy. "I have a granddaughter? But... I thought you couldn't...?" She shakes her head to clear it and beams at River. "I can't believe I've just met my own granddaughter for the first time. Look at you! I must be terribly behind on birthday presents! Oh, and I missed your wedding! Are there pictures? I think I need to sit down."

The Doctor squeezes River's hand. He is grinning ear to ear. Insufferable. "We might have a few photos from our wedding in Space Florida, but I think they got destroyed in the explosion, or, oh, hold on!" He reaches for his tweed and riffles through the breast pocket, spilling toys and tools everywhere - yo-yo, wrench, ball of rubber bands, piece of a Dalek eye stalk, robot controller, a smashed packet of jammie dodgers - before finally emerging with a tiny obsidian square. He holds it up triumphantly between his fingers and a 3D rendering springs up.

It is them on top of the lava fields of New Troy, celebrating their 79th and 14th anniversaries with a wedding atop the cliffs. It is a short loop - the Doctor fumbling the ring, River laughing, their kiss. It is muted, but she can clearly see their miniatures repeating their vows: _always and completely_. She hadn't realized the Doctor had palmed the recording in their haste to flee the eruption, let alone that he'd kept it. In his breast pocket. Sentimental idiot.

The recording tumbles gracelessly to the floor, cutting out once dropped, as River turns and snogs her husband for all she is worth. The Doctor flails only momentarily before his hands settle at her waist, thumbs stroking the exposed strip of skin above her waistband. She withdraws regretfully when his hands start edging toward her arse, mindful this time that they are in a bowling alley in Leadworth, surrounded by her entire family.

The Doctor looks dazed. He tucks her hair behind her ear tenderly. "What was that for?"

"Because you're an idiot," River huffs, blinking back tears.

The Doctor grins sloppily. "Ah. Should have guessed."

When they turn back, her grandparents are all smiling broadly, and Tabetha has tear tracks on her cheeks.

Rory has his eyes fixed on the checkered ceiling. "Yeah, they do that. A lot."

Augustus shakes himself out of his stupor. "Well, that's all right then." His seal of approval warm and resounding.

As soon as she lets go of the Doctor's hand, her grandparents converge, hugging her in turn - deceptively strong despite their age. River embraces them gently, carefully and, when they have their fill, her parents engulf her in a joint hug. "Sorry we didn't tell them sooner," her dad mumbles as they both hug her ferociously.

When the hugging is over, Amy punches the Doctor on the arm, looking secretly relieved, and a bit like she's fighting back tears. "Oi - parents in the room! And why haven't you shown us that video before?"

The Doctor stutters and fidgets away from her mother's ire, finally exclaiming, "Time travel!" quite loudly and decidedly, as though it were not blatantly a last minute excuse.

Luckily, the citizens of Leadworth pay him no mind, not easily surprised since the Doctor crashed her parents' wedding. Not to mention years of her more creative exploits as Mels.

Amy glares in a way that promises she's not forgotten, and turns back to her pint, gesturing with it threateningly as she drinks. "Likely explanation, Raggedy Man."

The Doctor uses her distraction to promptly drop to the floor to rescue the spilt contents from his pocket, tucking the fallen memory disk safely away as he does so.

It's Rule One, of course. That wedding was ages ago for both of them, and River knows he's seen her parents loads since then. The Doctor is terribly selfish with the things he cares for... and River thinks he wanted to keep it for himself, that little recording of their vows. The only ones that ever really mattered: _always and completely._

River shakes her head fondly at Amy and the Doctor, catching her father in the middle of the same gesture. They share a conspiratorial grin. When she turns, her grandparents are watching them knowingly.

Augustus offers her a pint. "Come on now, lass, we've got a game to finish. Bowling's in your blood, you know," he puffs up with pride, "and you take after me, if I do say so myself."

Accepting the pint gratefully, River lets her grandfather steer her back toward the lanes before the Doctor's impending sugar rush ruins the game.

The rest of her family trails along behind them, bickering and laughing too loudly for the modest bowling alley. River glances down at her shirt: _Pond_. It's been lifetimes since she laid proper claim to that name. But, when she looks up into the twinkling eyes of her grandfather, River's grin is as genuine as her promise. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

 _Fin_


End file.
